The Big Break: Introduction
I quit my job yesterday. It’s 5:30 am so I guess that technically was yesterday, even though it’s just hitting me now what that actually means. Part anxiety part excitement is keeping me up, my mind racing. Which honestly was a huge part of why I quit in the first place but alas here we are. I am reminding myself (as I listen to my cat take his early morning shit) that this is new to me, and like all new things, it takes time to get good at it and.that’s.okay. Or it will be, eventually.
I want to back up and first acknowledge all the privileges that allowed me to take a break like the color of my skin, being born into generational wealth, how that’s awarded me jobs that have allowed for financial security, being in partnership with someone who can support this choice and despite living in the US, California at least attempts to give a shit and there are resources available to me for support. This is in no way intended to hurt, shame or harm anyone. I am cataloging my experience because a) I am a millennial and what else do we do, especially in crisis b) I am terrible with routine and I hope To use the time off to learn, and unlearn, parts of who I am that are no longer working for me and c) I do not, and cannot, believe that I am alone in how I feel and if I can create connection and understanding even for a few of us, I’m happy.
So, let’s get to the who, what, where, when, and why. Did anyone else learn to write with the 5 W’s? Let’s get into it.
The who: me. The older version of myself, who’s lived nearly 30 years working toward the same thing, has completely turned on its head as I face a career fork in the road. Hello Robert Frost. And the new me, whoever she may be. I’m excited to get to know her.
The what: a break, unlike any other.
The when: starting off 2023 with a major life change, what’s not to love?
The why: burnout, capitalism, trauma, Saturn’s return (hey there Astro friends) because I needed to? Because I wanted to? The truth is, I have spent most of my 29 years making choices that are future-goal-oriented or for other people’s needs. Like most of us who grew up in the US with childhood trauma of some kind, survival mode was what I knew best. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I was operating in that mode, long after I needed to. As I navigated jobs in the alarmingly disappointing education system, I accepted that the only way to make the impact I set out to do was to struggle through it. To fight every battle I could in order to make the tiniest dent. Somewhere along the way ‘the struggle’ became synonymous with purpose. My internalized capitalism/survival mode reinforced the (inaccurate) belief that my life would only amount to what I hoped if I hustled, working myself to exhaustion every day, measured success the way the world does, and sacrificed my own joys. This break is me taking a first (monumental) step for myself, to figure out what comes next, and to find joy again.
I have always been someone that has preached that life is too short to do something you don’t love. That belief once inspired my short and long-term choices, but along the way I let the world influence me. My intention with cataloging my journey is to share with others, and myself, what the process feels like, why it’s difficult and how it’s possible to choose yourself.
Sel
